I have been sick for a long time. I have done stupid things in an attempt to destroy myself. I have starved myself as punishment for my existence. I have punched brick walls and ground my knuckles into gravel to feel relief and guilt. I have drunk coffee and cola to increase my insomnia. I have stood in front of mirrors and frequently told myself what I believed... 'I'm pathetic, stupid, useless, a waste of life, that I need to hurt myself.'

I have used money as a means to make things difficult for myself and others.
I gave away money I couldn't afford to give away. I signed up to things I couldn't afford, bought things I ddin't need because I believed I didn't deserve things to run smoothly for me, that things needed to be hard, complicated. I found my self needing to ask people to pay my way because I was too much of a loose unit to function basically and was desperate to hide it figuring that I would be dead sometime soon so why worry about consequences? I have been hiding in shadows for a long time.

I had no real grasp on what was going on with me, how bad things really were. I was unaware how bad my depression, finances and self image were. I figured people needed to hate me because I hated myself so much. I believed that if people liked me I was fooling them because I felt I had nothing good in me. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to see people hate me. Or so I thought. I wanted to hurt, to starve to flirt with death because I had convinced my self for years, subtley first, then blatantly that this was what I deserved. Pain.

I don't believe that anymore. I am not that person anymore, and while I am still struggling with issues I've refused to face for the better part of a decade, while I still have to force myself to eat, while I still struggle with stressing out and jumping to the worst conclusions... I am getting better. I am better than I have been in a long time. I feel happiness now and have little reservation in revealing my past to others. I want to live.

I accept what I have done. I own what I have done. I am responsible for my own actions. I understand this.

So from here on out I am concerned with cleaning up my messes and moving forward positively and healthily. If you want to acknowledge my past, accept that it happened and move forward in a new direction with me please feel free. If not that's fine. But I refuse to allow anyone else's bitterness and ill thought eat away at me.

I'm sorry to everyone for everything I've done.

AJ