I think I'm going to start posting on here again. I don't know if anyone will read it but it seems like a good idea. Oh Nostalgia!

HOLY FREAKIN' CRAP!

So according to the radio today Johnny Depp is tipped to play The Riddler in rhe sequel to The Dark Knight. Not sure how he'll be able to top Batman Forever though... *cough* *snicker*.

Does anyone other than Stan actually read this?

Goldie.

This afternoon Matt Barus and I decided to go to Sumner for Fish and Chips for lunch given it was such a lovely day. We dropped into the Poulson St Sallies shelter to see if a young guy we knew named Nick wanted to come to the beach. He wasn't there but Goldie was. Goldie is a man we met today. He has long stringy hair, scattered tattoos, is overweight and sang alot of songs. He yoddled as well. Goldie asked us if he could come to the beach and show us where God had spoken to him. He refered to Matt and I as his angels. He began huffing a substance in the backseat, apologising profusely.
We woun our windows down and continued talking about his various experiences and trials. I found myself unable to believe everything he said. This caused me conflicting emotions. We arrived in Sumner and Goldie made $4.00 busking to children. After Matt and I ate our lunch (Goldie had a plastic plate in the car with ham, cheese and agreen vegetable on it) we looked at the ocean. Goldie stripped to his underwear and jumped in the sea. He enjoyed it, got out and huffed some more. We dropped him at the City Mission as he asked and carried on home. It was a strange encounter. I'm glad I had it but my reactions surprised me. Which leaves me feeling kind of... I don't know yet. Yeah.

I have been sick for a long time. I have done stupid things in an attempt to destroy myself. I have starved myself as punishment for my existence. I have punched brick walls and ground my knuckles into gravel to feel relief and guilt. I have drunk coffee and cola to increase my insomnia. I have stood in front of mirrors and frequently told myself what I believed... 'I'm pathetic, stupid, useless, a waste of life, that I need to hurt myself.'

I have used money as a means to make things difficult for myself and others.
I gave away money I couldn't afford to give away. I signed up to things I couldn't afford, bought things I ddin't need because I believed I didn't deserve things to run smoothly for me, that things needed to be hard, complicated. I found my self needing to ask people to pay my way because I was too much of a loose unit to function basically and was desperate to hide it figuring that I would be dead sometime soon so why worry about consequences? I have been hiding in shadows for a long time.

I had no real grasp on what was going on with me, how bad things really were. I was unaware how bad my depression, finances and self image were. I figured people needed to hate me because I hated myself so much. I believed that if people liked me I was fooling them because I felt I had nothing good in me. I wanted to self destruct. I wanted to see people hate me. Or so I thought. I wanted to hurt, to starve to flirt with death because I had convinced my self for years, subtley first, then blatantly that this was what I deserved. Pain.

I don't believe that anymore. I am not that person anymore, and while I am still struggling with issues I've refused to face for the better part of a decade, while I still have to force myself to eat, while I still struggle with stressing out and jumping to the worst conclusions... I am getting better. I am better than I have been in a long time. I feel happiness now and have little reservation in revealing my past to others. I want to live.

I accept what I have done. I own what I have done. I am responsible for my own actions. I understand this.

So from here on out I am concerned with cleaning up my messes and moving forward positively and healthily. If you want to acknowledge my past, accept that it happened and move forward in a new direction with me please feel free. If not that's fine. But I refuse to allow anyone else's bitterness and ill thought eat away at me.

I'm sorry to everyone for everything I've done.

AJ

What I got...

I don't know if this is any help to anyone but this is what I have:

Clinical depression (also called major-depressive disorder or unipolar depression) is a common psychiatric disorder, characterized by a pervasive low mood, loss of interest in usual activities and diminished ability to experience pleasure.

Although the term "depression" is commonly used to describe a temporary depressed mood when one "feels blue", clinical depression is a serious and often disabling condition that can significantly affect a person's work, family and school life, sleeping and eating habits, general health and ability to enjoy life.[1] The course of clinical depression varies widely: depression can be a once in a life-time event or have multiple recurrences, it can appear either gradually or suddenly, and either last for a few months or be a life-long disorder. Having depression is a major risk factor for suicide; in addition, people with depression suffer from higher mortality from other causes.[2]

Clinical depression may be isolated or be a secondary result of a primary condition such as bipolar disorder or chronic pain. When specific treatment is indicated, this is usually psychotherapy and/or antidepressants.

Clinical depression can present with a variety of symptoms, however almost all patients display a marked change in mood, a deep feeling of sadness, and a noticeable loss of interest or pleasure in favorite activities. Other symptoms include:

* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
* Loss of appetite and/or weight loss, or conversely overeating and weight gain
* Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Restlessness or irritability
* Feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt, helplessness
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Difficulty thinking, concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
* Thoughts of death or suicide or attempts at suicide
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
* Decreased energy, fatigue, feeling "slowed down" or sluggish
* Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Not all patients will present every symptom, and the severity of symptoms will vary widely among individuals. Symptoms must, however, persist for at least two weeks before being considered a potential sign of depression, with the exception of suicidal thoughts or attempts.

(Wikipedia)

That Day - Natalie Imbruglia

That day, that day
What a mess what a marvel
I walked into that cloud again
And I lost myself
And I’m sad, sad, sad
Small, alone, scared
Craving purity
A fragile mind and
A gentle spirit
That day, that day
What a marvelous mess
This is all that I can do
I’m done to be me
Sad, scared, small, alone, beautiful
It’s supposed to be like this
I accept everything
It’s supposed to be like this

That day, that day
I lay down beside myself
In this feeling of pain, sadness
Scared, small, climbing, crawling
Towards the light
And it’s all I see and
I’m tired and I’m right
And I’m wrong
And it’s beautiful

That day that day
What a mess
What a marvel
We’re all the same
And no one thinks so
And it’s okay
And I’m small
And I’m divine
And it’s beautiful
And it’s coming
And it’s already here
And it’s absolutely perfect

That day, that day
When everything was a mess
And everything was in place
And there’s too much hurt
Sad, small, scared, alone
And everyone’s a cynic
And it’s hard and it’s sweet
But it’s supposed
To be like this

That day, that day
When I sat in the sun
And I thought and I cried
’cause I’m sad, scared, small
Alone, strong
And I’m nothing
And I’m true
Only a brave man
Can break through
And it’s all okay
Yeah, it’s okay