The Last Post.

Ten years ago today I wrote the first entry of this blog in a Christchurch flat in Avonhead and now a decade later, because I’m a nostalgia nerd, I’m writing the final entry. I’m not sure what to write or who will read this, so I figured I’d just look back at the past decade of my life. The good and the bad… So since June 4, 2005 this happened: I moved to Christchurch, lead youth groups, attended four Easter Camps as a youth leader, I have written a bunch of songs, I've been paid to act, work in wrestling and play my own music. In 2006, my friend Richard McIntosh died of cancer in February, my childhood friend Saul Whaangaa committed suicide later in the year and on October 24, 2006 my Dad Ron died and I held his hand as he slipped away. I've tramped and drunken hot Raro after sitting in natural hot pools on the Copland track. In 2005 I attended my first and only ball, with a Narnian theme, I've lived with friends, family, strangers and alone. I’ve lost friends I thought I’d have for life, I've told the truth and I’ve lied. I’ve given and I’ve stolen. I’ve broken promises and hurt people I loved. I've been kind and I’ve been cruel. I’ve felt the comfort of believing I belonged in a community of faith and the cold, empty, crushing feeling of being excommunicated. I’ve walked away from the church and lost my faith. I’ve played a lot off video games and watched a lot of movies to distract me from the loneliness I was dwelling in and in doing so, I’ve rediscovered my passions and embraced them fully, forging exactly the career I want. That’s a miracle! I’ve risen buses, trains planes and boats. I’ve seen the Foo Fighters twice and Green Day once. I’ve trashed a drum set onstage. I’ve been praised and vilified, often by myself. I’ve attended numerous counseling sessions and taken thousands of pills. I’ve eaten too much junk and not paid rent. I’ve walked streets in small towns and big cities until the early hours of the morning listening to music in my headphones trying o find escapism and optimism. I’ve been branded a weirdo. I’ve been called manipulative, inspiring, abusive, selfish, funny, talented, pathetic, gay, caring, self-centered and told I only care about myself. I’ve fallen in love. I’ve laid next to someone and begged God to let this be the one. I feel embarrassed writing a lot of this stuff. I’ve longed for an idealized version of the past and blamed everyone else for my problems. I’ve signed up to Bebo and Facebook. I’ve nervously avoided certain people’s accounts, knowing it would do me no good looking at it. And I’ve looked. I’ve watched people grow up and become adults, get married and have kids. I’ve had those clichéd nights, days and summers that you remember the rest of your life. I had an intense relationship that I thought I wouldn’t be able to live without. But I did. In 2007 I walked out of church as a preacher told the congregation that if you believe in God enough that bad things won’t happen to you. 24 hours after my friends and I were in a serious car crash. I’ve been kicked out of flats for not paying rent. I still don’t know why I didn’t just pay. I sat in a bathtub in my flat days after my 24th birthday and seriously considered suicide after being told to leave another flat. But I kept going. I moved in with my Mum again. It was ultimately for the best. I wrote and dreamt a lot. I was diagnosed clinically depressed. I stopped taking pills. It worked. I learnt family secrets. In 2010, I took drama classes and made temporary friends. It wasn’t meant to be. In 2011, I had my first real professional acting gig, a four week tour. 2011 was like a greatest hits year… In October I auditioned for drama school, right before as girl named Victoria. I’ve been dating her since 2012. After a roller coaster three years, I graduated in 2015 with a Drama degree. That still blows my mind. I’ve made movies and starred in movies, I even have an IMDB profile! Ha! Mad! I hang out with and receive mentorship and guidance from Jonathan King and just directed Cori Gonzalez-Macuer and Ben Fransham in a short film! I’m going to make my own feature film and an album. Despite everything, or maybe because of everything… This screwup is living his dream. And with that, I officially post my final entry for the decade upon this blog. Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. :P There Is Nothing Left To Lose. 04/06/2005 – 04/06/2015